Wal-Mart Madness

I would like to start by saying that I do not enjoy shopping at Wal-mart. Not because it's a monoply or has completely eliminated the mom and pop stores. I would normally love the convenience of being able to purchase groceries while getting the oil changed on my car and swing by to pick up shampoo. The reason I hate Wal-mart is because unless I go at the crack of dawn on Sunday I will not be able to be a happy shopper. Here's how my latest trip went.

I put off the shopping over the weekend for no good reason. As a result, I was stuck visiting the "redneck playworld" during a busy time. I went after work. I didn't go directly work for fear of running into lots of other people doing the same thing. I went around 7 pm. It wasn't overly crowded so I got a decent parking place (yay). I get my shopping cart and after a few feet notice that it has a distinct "harump" to it as I push it. So I turn around and put it back so I can get a quieter cart that doesn't talk to me as I push it. I get about 15 feet with this one when it also has a noticible "harump" as I push it. Sigh. I opt not to turn around and continue with my shopping.

As I cruise the aisles I notice there's a ton of people there. I'm guessing most people don't set an alarm for Sunday morning like I do for the sole purpose of shopping at Wal-mart. The best part about the people is that this is clearly social hour for the community of Lawton. Everyone has stopped in the middle of the aisle and is chatting. Really? I just want to get through so I can go home. I am also convinced that there are secret air fresheners that squirt something in the air to make you purchase unneeded items. I found myself admiring grills once. Ummm, I live in an apartment with no backyard and I'm pretty sure the fire marshall won't let me play with fire. Especially if he ever saw me cook on a stove. So I'm in a hurry to get out of the store.

I haven't even mentioned the children running around. Wow. They are everywhere. Grabbing things, yelling, stomping, opening things. One kid kept yelling, "I want the yellow one! I want the yellow one!" I really wanted to find something yellow just to shut him up.

My nerves shot, hands shaking, I continue on my way. As I shop for some baked/low fat chips to munch on for lunch I notice that Lawton has been attacked by locusts. The chip aisle is pretty much bare. I am in awe. Are we under a snow storm that I didn't hear about? The high today was 87 degrees, but you never know. However, I did find a multipack of baked chips that I love to bring to lunch with me. In fact, the baked chips were the only things left on the shelves. I'm thinking I have solved the obesity problem in Lawton.

Ahhhh, now to check out. I have made it unscathed and there are no extra things in my cart. Well, maybe some chocolate. But I needed that after shopping during rush hour. I get to the front where there are about 75 registers. Unfortunately for me there are only about 5 cashiers working and I have squeaked by the "15 items or less" lane. So I wait. And wait. And wait a bit more. By time I'm done I've practically memorized the recipe for a chocolate cake that was in a magazine by the register. But I've learned my lesson. I will be at Wal-mart bright and early next weekend. This madness was not worth avoiding the weekend shopping.

Parking

I've been living in the Midwest for several months now and there's something I've observed. I don't know if it's because there's more men trying to prove they have a big penis or that they aren't gay but there are bigger trucks here than there were in Alabama. I know, hard to believe. However, the difference is that in Alabama those guys are taught how to drive their big, over-testosterone injected vehicles. Out here that's not the case. I understand if you have a big vehicle that is a little hard to park. I don't understand why this entitles you to take up 2 spaces right next to the door. Be a real man, learn how to park the damn thing or park out in the north 40 until you do figure out how to park the thing. If you are concerned because it costs roughly as much as a small house (or South American country) and you don't want it dinged by other cars, don't worry. See, I bought a car that's completely within my budget. I even accounted for small dings and such. So when you so rudely take up two spaces to protect your "I'm a man" truck I will still manage to squeeze my car in right next to you. How did I manage that? Because I learned how to drive and park mine, thank you very much. Oh, and if my door bangs into yours as I'm exiting my vehicle? I don't really give a damn. In fact, I hope it puts a little paint mark on your truck. Perhaps you'll park farther out in the parking lot next time or spend some time to practice navigating your boat like vehicle into a space. Those funny looking lines in parking lots? They actually mean something. You park in between them, not on top of them. Until you figure that out - I guess you'll be seeing a little sparkly green paint along with a dent on your precious, overpriced, extended cab, big tires, redneck vehicle.

Yoga

First day of yoga class - ha! I should probably mention that I haven't actually done any real yoga since the late 90's. Obviously it's been a while. The teacher was very nice and helpful. I placed my mat in the middle, trying to stay out of the way of others that already had their mats placed but still in a spot that I could see. Of course some dude got in front of me but I guess that's what I get for not getting right in the front of the class. If you've never done any yoga I should mention that it's basically lots of stretching with weird names and very deep breathing. I enjoy it but I can understand how some people may think it's an odd thing to want to spend your free time doing. I am proud to say that I only had to have my pose corrected a few times. I am not proud to say that I am nowhere near as flexible as I once was. The instructor says "bend from your hip and touch your forehead to your knee if it is comfortable". Yeah, right. I'm can semi bend from the hip and it's not comfortable at all. Then she mentions that you can "probably" feel a stretch in the hamstring. Probably my ass! I felt the stretch all over. Muscles I didn't even know existed were stretching. That's the whole point of yoga though. My other issue is that I'm so busy attempting to stretch and position myself I'll forget to breathe. Of course then the instructor actually says to breathe and I realize I'm holding my breath as I attempt to eek another centimeter into the stretch so I don't look as un-bendy as I apparently am. Overall it was lots of fun and I'm sure I'll be back! I'm also sure I'll be falling over at some point so I'll be sure to mention that in my blog when it happens.

Traveling

I just got back from a Vegas trip. I had a lot of fun but as usual I have a few gripes about other people. I feel there are a few things that should be in an etiquette book for people traveling to other places that they are unaware of.

1. If you are unsure of where you are going in an airport do not stop walking in the middle of the aisle to check your bags for your flight number. There are probably people behind you that you have caused to come to a screeching halt because you are too inconsiderate to move to the side before dropping everything and checking your bags.

2. If you are eating in an airport restaurant there is a good chance you will not get to eat with your 10+ family members. Pulling the tables together does not help and in fact blocks the way for the other patrons. Unless you are dining with small children you should split your party up. Airport dining is not the time for a family reunion.

3. If you are riding on a motorized scooter, use a wheelchair, walker, cane, or have a handicap sticker on your car please do not walk in the middle of the walkway. Especially if you weigh 350+ pounds. You are taking up most of the hall and you move very slowly. This is annoying. Move to the side to make room for those of us that still have full use of our appendages or that actually go to a gym.

4. If you do not check in to the plane on time and you are traveling with 20 people there's a good chance you won't be sitting together on a plane with unassigned seats. I would again like to thank the family that delayed my flight for over an hour while rearranging all the passengers so they could sit together. I'm sure the flight attendants wouldn't have made people volunteer to get up and move but this family of 20 included 10 children that needed an adult to sit beside them. The best part was when the attendant announced overhead, "We're not moving until we get some volunteers to give up their seats!" Nice.

5. When picking up luggage at the airport you should probably know that it goes in a circle. If you miss it the first time it will come back. There's no need to push and shove in an attempt to get to the front of the line.

6. Speaking of the baggage claim please just send one person from your family to pick up your luggage. There was a family of 3 waiting to pick up one suitcase. I was impressed that they were able to get all the clothes in one suitcase but annoyed that the little boy was allowed to sit up front and in the way of others picking up their luggage. Seriously? Move it!

7. As I've mentioned before I do not have children but I don't understand why they are in Vegas. I don't see how this is fun for the kids or the parents. There's nothing to do for the kids in a place like Vegas and the parents have to keep up with the kids the entire time and can't enjoy themselves while they are in Vegas. I just don't get it.

Men

So, as I continue the dating thing I'm noticing something. Men that are more interested in me are several years younger than me. I took a poll at work and I was told I can go about 5 years below my age. Well, the guys that are buying my drinks are between 5 and 8 years younger than me. I was told (by the same work buddies) that they are just looking for a one night stand. Um....so why are they hitting on a 30 year old for a one night stand? Shouldn't they be looking at someone their own age for a one nighter? Especially since I thought most guys were under the impression that women my age were wanting to settle down. It's not true, but I thought most guys thought that's how it worked. So it brings me back to the first question - why in the heck are these really young guys hitting on me? It's like I'm their mom but hotter. But I'm not old enough to be their mom. I'm right between their mom's age and their age. The really funny part of all of this is that I can't get a normal guy my own age to hit on me. Why? Because those bastards all want some bimbo that doesn't have a brain, is still naturally perky, and will have to depend on him for everything. They don't want me. Hell, they divorced someone like me. I hate it that I have a brain, a job, and a life. I don't love the idea of going out with someone younger than me simply because I'm afraid I'll get him "well trained" (for lack of a better phrase) and then when he's in his early 30's and I'm not he'll look around and realize what he's missing. Of course by then I'd have already got him prepared for a good relationship and then I'm older and alone.

Loud kids

I do not have kids. I do not know how to raise kids. I have never professed to know the first thing about raising kids. I do, however, know about respect and when it is lacking. Last week I was fortunate enough to witness what the world is coming to. There was a mother (I'm presuming) with her child. The child was approximately eight years old. The mother was walking down the hall at the hospital (a public place for those that are missing that) with the child next to her. The child was yelling at the top of her lungs, "You are so stupid! I can't believe I'm missing school for a stupid doctor's appointment! I hate you so much! You are a big, stupid idiot!"

Okay, so I'm no expert. I'm not even a parent. First of all, why on earth does a child get to scream like that in a public place if the child is not being harmed, kidnapped, or is older than 3? Second, why does a child have the right to call an adult, especially her parent (once again, guessing on the relationship) stupid, an idiot, and yell at them? Last, but not least, why does this kid get to run the show? The only thing that this screaming fit had that was encouraging at all is that the kid wanted to be in school.

I don't know what I would do. Well, I do know what I would do. Hey, this is my blog so I'll just say it. I would never have allowed it to get that far in the first place. Kids are NOT supposed to be running the show. They are children. They are supposed to have limitations and they are supposed to be expected to follow rules that the grown up parents set for them. My mother would have beaten me within an inch of my life if I had even thought about acting like that in a public place. I really don't think it's any wonder we've got people expecting the government to bail them out from all their problems because it's what's happened to them their entire lives. No one has told them that they have to grow up and act like adults. No one has ever told them "no". Everyone has said that it's okay to kick, scream and act like an imbecile because that's how you get things done. I'm concerned because this entire generation of children are the future's lawyers, doctors, and congressmen. One day when I am old and grey these brats that have had everything handed to them are going to be the ones taking care of my medical needs, drawing up the paperwork for my last will and testament and will be asking me for my vote.