Christmas, part 2

Making my way through the airport, looking for a Starbucks, desperately needing a little caffeine fix, my phone rings. It's my sister. She's always concerned that my plane will crash and she won't know even though I've tried to tell her that my absence should make it obvious that something has happened. So, I answer the phone and this time it's not about me. She's telling me that my mom has been in an accident but not to worry, she's fine. You know, I appreciate the call, but I don't know if I want to know about a could have been a serious car accident just before I ingest a shitload of caffeine on an empty stomach and then navigate my way through Nashville. Why do people do that? Hey, mom's been in an accident, I know you're still 2 hours from home, but she's fine. Well, thank God she's fine. What the hell would I have done if she'd been in ICU? Not like I could have gotten there any faster.

So, anyway, our real Christmas gift was that the dumb ass that was texting while driving and ran a red light, clipped a car and then t-boned my mother only managed to do damage to the car. : )

But still. I get home, jittery from too much caffeine and too little food and my sister sees me and says, "Wow. Your hair is really dark." Ummm, it's the same color it always is. What kills me is that there's no effort to even put a compliment in there. Although if her filter is as bad as mine she probably said that to avoid what she was really thinking which was, "Damn. Your ass got so big."

During our annual Dirty Santa game my brother and his wife have brought their gifts. They've been pretty busy with my 6 month old nephew and they do tend to procrastinate so their gifts were unusual. They brought liquor (no doubt regifted from my brother's work party - no objections from us though) and a framed picture of my nephew. Well, of course we all oooed and aaawed over the picture of the baby. Immediately it gets "stolen" then "stolen" again. My mom ended up with it. My sister-in-law is crushed. She said she didn't actually think she'd have to part with it. Seriously? It's Dirty Santa. And we play very, very dirty. It's not even her first Christmas with us. It's like her 3rd or 4th. So for her to think she can waltz in with a picture of her son and it NOT get stolen, well, she must be smoking something. Next time, try shopping and get some cheapass gift card. Like I did.

Christmas, part 1

So, I flew home for Christmas. It's cheaper to fly home on Christmas Eve. So you can bet your bottom dollar that was the day I flew home. Even though my mother was somewhat worried I wouldn't make it in time for family "traditional" time at 6 or so. My plane was scheduled to land at noon. It was a 2 hour drive from the airport. I was fairly certain I was going to make it.

By now, everyone knows (or actually not everyone, but the one person who follows this page and all of my friends I've whined to) that I hate people. And crowds. And loud children. And fat old women who bathe in their perfume. Sigh. I'm really just not a nice person. I admit it, which is big of me, but really, I just don't do well with all of these things. Needless to say, an airport is just ripe to put me in a bad mood. But, it's Christmas, so in the spirit of things, I have decided to be nice and show some Christmas cheer. Or at least look forward to a good drink when I get home.

I get on the airplane. I should mention that I fly Southwest. They are the only airline that doesn't charge for your bags. I feel that if I'm paying that much for freaking travel then I should not have to pay for my luggage to also arrive with me. I have paid my extra $10 so I am in the first boarding group which is a priority for me. I like to sit in the middle to front of the plane and on the aisle. If I have to make a connecting flight I want to sit in the front. When I get on the plane there are already at least 20+ people on board. My guess is that they were from an earlier flight that was just passing through and didn't have to deplane. Okay. So I find a seat, on the aisle, in the middle. So far, so good. No overlarge people sit beside me, no screaming babies. Yes! I have achieved flight perfection!

Plane lands and I don't have to deplane. I am perfectly satisfied with my seat so I don't move when the opportunity presents itself. However, a woman with a 2 year old boards and sits a few rows ahead of me. Then the crying begins. As I'm digging in my bag for my ipod a couple get on the plane and sit down in the row across from me. Then I hear a yipping sound. Yep. They have a dog. A long haired dachshund. I like dogs and I feel sorry for this one. I don't really want to hear one bark for an hour while I'm on a plane though. Then the most shocking thing happens. I look over and the woman with the dog has gotten it out of the carrier and has placed it on her lap. I am not an expert on airplane rules but I'm pretty sure this is breaking all kinds of flight regulations. An animal on the plane that is not secured? What if someone has allergies? What if the dog gets down? What if he bites someone? No one said a word though. I'm wondering how much that ticket cost.

Meanwhile, the child up front is shrieking, crying, and making all kinds of noise indicating that she is being tortured right in front of our very eyes. Ahh, thank god for ipods. When the plane lands I notice that the mommy of the screaming child has every protruding part of her face pierced. I wondered if that's why the kid was screaming; perhaps they'd been piercing the baby in flight to match mommy.

Wal-Mart Madness

I would like to start by saying that I do not enjoy shopping at Wal-mart. Not because it's a monoply or has completely eliminated the mom and pop stores. I would normally love the convenience of being able to purchase groceries while getting the oil changed on my car and swing by to pick up shampoo. The reason I hate Wal-mart is because unless I go at the crack of dawn on Sunday I will not be able to be a happy shopper. Here's how my latest trip went.

I put off the shopping over the weekend for no good reason. As a result, I was stuck visiting the "redneck playworld" during a busy time. I went after work. I didn't go directly work for fear of running into lots of other people doing the same thing. I went around 7 pm. It wasn't overly crowded so I got a decent parking place (yay). I get my shopping cart and after a few feet notice that it has a distinct "harump" to it as I push it. So I turn around and put it back so I can get a quieter cart that doesn't talk to me as I push it. I get about 15 feet with this one when it also has a noticible "harump" as I push it. Sigh. I opt not to turn around and continue with my shopping.

As I cruise the aisles I notice there's a ton of people there. I'm guessing most people don't set an alarm for Sunday morning like I do for the sole purpose of shopping at Wal-mart. The best part about the people is that this is clearly social hour for the community of Lawton. Everyone has stopped in the middle of the aisle and is chatting. Really? I just want to get through so I can go home. I am also convinced that there are secret air fresheners that squirt something in the air to make you purchase unneeded items. I found myself admiring grills once. Ummm, I live in an apartment with no backyard and I'm pretty sure the fire marshall won't let me play with fire. Especially if he ever saw me cook on a stove. So I'm in a hurry to get out of the store.

I haven't even mentioned the children running around. Wow. They are everywhere. Grabbing things, yelling, stomping, opening things. One kid kept yelling, "I want the yellow one! I want the yellow one!" I really wanted to find something yellow just to shut him up.

My nerves shot, hands shaking, I continue on my way. As I shop for some baked/low fat chips to munch on for lunch I notice that Lawton has been attacked by locusts. The chip aisle is pretty much bare. I am in awe. Are we under a snow storm that I didn't hear about? The high today was 87 degrees, but you never know. However, I did find a multipack of baked chips that I love to bring to lunch with me. In fact, the baked chips were the only things left on the shelves. I'm thinking I have solved the obesity problem in Lawton.

Ahhhh, now to check out. I have made it unscathed and there are no extra things in my cart. Well, maybe some chocolate. But I needed that after shopping during rush hour. I get to the front where there are about 75 registers. Unfortunately for me there are only about 5 cashiers working and I have squeaked by the "15 items or less" lane. So I wait. And wait. And wait a bit more. By time I'm done I've practically memorized the recipe for a chocolate cake that was in a magazine by the register. But I've learned my lesson. I will be at Wal-mart bright and early next weekend. This madness was not worth avoiding the weekend shopping.

Parking

I've been living in the Midwest for several months now and there's something I've observed. I don't know if it's because there's more men trying to prove they have a big penis or that they aren't gay but there are bigger trucks here than there were in Alabama. I know, hard to believe. However, the difference is that in Alabama those guys are taught how to drive their big, over-testosterone injected vehicles. Out here that's not the case. I understand if you have a big vehicle that is a little hard to park. I don't understand why this entitles you to take up 2 spaces right next to the door. Be a real man, learn how to park the damn thing or park out in the north 40 until you do figure out how to park the thing. If you are concerned because it costs roughly as much as a small house (or South American country) and you don't want it dinged by other cars, don't worry. See, I bought a car that's completely within my budget. I even accounted for small dings and such. So when you so rudely take up two spaces to protect your "I'm a man" truck I will still manage to squeeze my car in right next to you. How did I manage that? Because I learned how to drive and park mine, thank you very much. Oh, and if my door bangs into yours as I'm exiting my vehicle? I don't really give a damn. In fact, I hope it puts a little paint mark on your truck. Perhaps you'll park farther out in the parking lot next time or spend some time to practice navigating your boat like vehicle into a space. Those funny looking lines in parking lots? They actually mean something. You park in between them, not on top of them. Until you figure that out - I guess you'll be seeing a little sparkly green paint along with a dent on your precious, overpriced, extended cab, big tires, redneck vehicle.

Yoga

First day of yoga class - ha! I should probably mention that I haven't actually done any real yoga since the late 90's. Obviously it's been a while. The teacher was very nice and helpful. I placed my mat in the middle, trying to stay out of the way of others that already had their mats placed but still in a spot that I could see. Of course some dude got in front of me but I guess that's what I get for not getting right in the front of the class. If you've never done any yoga I should mention that it's basically lots of stretching with weird names and very deep breathing. I enjoy it but I can understand how some people may think it's an odd thing to want to spend your free time doing. I am proud to say that I only had to have my pose corrected a few times. I am not proud to say that I am nowhere near as flexible as I once was. The instructor says "bend from your hip and touch your forehead to your knee if it is comfortable". Yeah, right. I'm can semi bend from the hip and it's not comfortable at all. Then she mentions that you can "probably" feel a stretch in the hamstring. Probably my ass! I felt the stretch all over. Muscles I didn't even know existed were stretching. That's the whole point of yoga though. My other issue is that I'm so busy attempting to stretch and position myself I'll forget to breathe. Of course then the instructor actually says to breathe and I realize I'm holding my breath as I attempt to eek another centimeter into the stretch so I don't look as un-bendy as I apparently am. Overall it was lots of fun and I'm sure I'll be back! I'm also sure I'll be falling over at some point so I'll be sure to mention that in my blog when it happens.

Traveling

I just got back from a Vegas trip. I had a lot of fun but as usual I have a few gripes about other people. I feel there are a few things that should be in an etiquette book for people traveling to other places that they are unaware of.

1. If you are unsure of where you are going in an airport do not stop walking in the middle of the aisle to check your bags for your flight number. There are probably people behind you that you have caused to come to a screeching halt because you are too inconsiderate to move to the side before dropping everything and checking your bags.

2. If you are eating in an airport restaurant there is a good chance you will not get to eat with your 10+ family members. Pulling the tables together does not help and in fact blocks the way for the other patrons. Unless you are dining with small children you should split your party up. Airport dining is not the time for a family reunion.

3. If you are riding on a motorized scooter, use a wheelchair, walker, cane, or have a handicap sticker on your car please do not walk in the middle of the walkway. Especially if you weigh 350+ pounds. You are taking up most of the hall and you move very slowly. This is annoying. Move to the side to make room for those of us that still have full use of our appendages or that actually go to a gym.

4. If you do not check in to the plane on time and you are traveling with 20 people there's a good chance you won't be sitting together on a plane with unassigned seats. I would again like to thank the family that delayed my flight for over an hour while rearranging all the passengers so they could sit together. I'm sure the flight attendants wouldn't have made people volunteer to get up and move but this family of 20 included 10 children that needed an adult to sit beside them. The best part was when the attendant announced overhead, "We're not moving until we get some volunteers to give up their seats!" Nice.

5. When picking up luggage at the airport you should probably know that it goes in a circle. If you miss it the first time it will come back. There's no need to push and shove in an attempt to get to the front of the line.

6. Speaking of the baggage claim please just send one person from your family to pick up your luggage. There was a family of 3 waiting to pick up one suitcase. I was impressed that they were able to get all the clothes in one suitcase but annoyed that the little boy was allowed to sit up front and in the way of others picking up their luggage. Seriously? Move it!

7. As I've mentioned before I do not have children but I don't understand why they are in Vegas. I don't see how this is fun for the kids or the parents. There's nothing to do for the kids in a place like Vegas and the parents have to keep up with the kids the entire time and can't enjoy themselves while they are in Vegas. I just don't get it.