Wal-Mart Madness

I would like to start by saying that I do not enjoy shopping at Wal-mart. Not because it's a monoply or has completely eliminated the mom and pop stores. I would normally love the convenience of being able to purchase groceries while getting the oil changed on my car and swing by to pick up shampoo. The reason I hate Wal-mart is because unless I go at the crack of dawn on Sunday I will not be able to be a happy shopper. Here's how my latest trip went.

I put off the shopping over the weekend for no good reason. As a result, I was stuck visiting the "redneck playworld" during a busy time. I went after work. I didn't go directly work for fear of running into lots of other people doing the same thing. I went around 7 pm. It wasn't overly crowded so I got a decent parking place (yay). I get my shopping cart and after a few feet notice that it has a distinct "harump" to it as I push it. So I turn around and put it back so I can get a quieter cart that doesn't talk to me as I push it. I get about 15 feet with this one when it also has a noticible "harump" as I push it. Sigh. I opt not to turn around and continue with my shopping.

As I cruise the aisles I notice there's a ton of people there. I'm guessing most people don't set an alarm for Sunday morning like I do for the sole purpose of shopping at Wal-mart. The best part about the people is that this is clearly social hour for the community of Lawton. Everyone has stopped in the middle of the aisle and is chatting. Really? I just want to get through so I can go home. I am also convinced that there are secret air fresheners that squirt something in the air to make you purchase unneeded items. I found myself admiring grills once. Ummm, I live in an apartment with no backyard and I'm pretty sure the fire marshall won't let me play with fire. Especially if he ever saw me cook on a stove. So I'm in a hurry to get out of the store.

I haven't even mentioned the children running around. Wow. They are everywhere. Grabbing things, yelling, stomping, opening things. One kid kept yelling, "I want the yellow one! I want the yellow one!" I really wanted to find something yellow just to shut him up.

My nerves shot, hands shaking, I continue on my way. As I shop for some baked/low fat chips to munch on for lunch I notice that Lawton has been attacked by locusts. The chip aisle is pretty much bare. I am in awe. Are we under a snow storm that I didn't hear about? The high today was 87 degrees, but you never know. However, I did find a multipack of baked chips that I love to bring to lunch with me. In fact, the baked chips were the only things left on the shelves. I'm thinking I have solved the obesity problem in Lawton.

Ahhhh, now to check out. I have made it unscathed and there are no extra things in my cart. Well, maybe some chocolate. But I needed that after shopping during rush hour. I get to the front where there are about 75 registers. Unfortunately for me there are only about 5 cashiers working and I have squeaked by the "15 items or less" lane. So I wait. And wait. And wait a bit more. By time I'm done I've practically memorized the recipe for a chocolate cake that was in a magazine by the register. But I've learned my lesson. I will be at Wal-mart bright and early next weekend. This madness was not worth avoiding the weekend shopping.

Parking

I've been living in the Midwest for several months now and there's something I've observed. I don't know if it's because there's more men trying to prove they have a big penis or that they aren't gay but there are bigger trucks here than there were in Alabama. I know, hard to believe. However, the difference is that in Alabama those guys are taught how to drive their big, over-testosterone injected vehicles. Out here that's not the case. I understand if you have a big vehicle that is a little hard to park. I don't understand why this entitles you to take up 2 spaces right next to the door. Be a real man, learn how to park the damn thing or park out in the north 40 until you do figure out how to park the thing. If you are concerned because it costs roughly as much as a small house (or South American country) and you don't want it dinged by other cars, don't worry. See, I bought a car that's completely within my budget. I even accounted for small dings and such. So when you so rudely take up two spaces to protect your "I'm a man" truck I will still manage to squeeze my car in right next to you. How did I manage that? Because I learned how to drive and park mine, thank you very much. Oh, and if my door bangs into yours as I'm exiting my vehicle? I don't really give a damn. In fact, I hope it puts a little paint mark on your truck. Perhaps you'll park farther out in the parking lot next time or spend some time to practice navigating your boat like vehicle into a space. Those funny looking lines in parking lots? They actually mean something. You park in between them, not on top of them. Until you figure that out - I guess you'll be seeing a little sparkly green paint along with a dent on your precious, overpriced, extended cab, big tires, redneck vehicle.