Christmas, part 2

Making my way through the airport, looking for a Starbucks, desperately needing a little caffeine fix, my phone rings. It's my sister. She's always concerned that my plane will crash and she won't know even though I've tried to tell her that my absence should make it obvious that something has happened. So, I answer the phone and this time it's not about me. She's telling me that my mom has been in an accident but not to worry, she's fine. You know, I appreciate the call, but I don't know if I want to know about a could have been a serious car accident just before I ingest a shitload of caffeine on an empty stomach and then navigate my way through Nashville. Why do people do that? Hey, mom's been in an accident, I know you're still 2 hours from home, but she's fine. Well, thank God she's fine. What the hell would I have done if she'd been in ICU? Not like I could have gotten there any faster.

So, anyway, our real Christmas gift was that the dumb ass that was texting while driving and ran a red light, clipped a car and then t-boned my mother only managed to do damage to the car. : )

But still. I get home, jittery from too much caffeine and too little food and my sister sees me and says, "Wow. Your hair is really dark." Ummm, it's the same color it always is. What kills me is that there's no effort to even put a compliment in there. Although if her filter is as bad as mine she probably said that to avoid what she was really thinking which was, "Damn. Your ass got so big."

During our annual Dirty Santa game my brother and his wife have brought their gifts. They've been pretty busy with my 6 month old nephew and they do tend to procrastinate so their gifts were unusual. They brought liquor (no doubt regifted from my brother's work party - no objections from us though) and a framed picture of my nephew. Well, of course we all oooed and aaawed over the picture of the baby. Immediately it gets "stolen" then "stolen" again. My mom ended up with it. My sister-in-law is crushed. She said she didn't actually think she'd have to part with it. Seriously? It's Dirty Santa. And we play very, very dirty. It's not even her first Christmas with us. It's like her 3rd or 4th. So for her to think she can waltz in with a picture of her son and it NOT get stolen, well, she must be smoking something. Next time, try shopping and get some cheapass gift card. Like I did.

Christmas, part 1

So, I flew home for Christmas. It's cheaper to fly home on Christmas Eve. So you can bet your bottom dollar that was the day I flew home. Even though my mother was somewhat worried I wouldn't make it in time for family "traditional" time at 6 or so. My plane was scheduled to land at noon. It was a 2 hour drive from the airport. I was fairly certain I was going to make it.

By now, everyone knows (or actually not everyone, but the one person who follows this page and all of my friends I've whined to) that I hate people. And crowds. And loud children. And fat old women who bathe in their perfume. Sigh. I'm really just not a nice person. I admit it, which is big of me, but really, I just don't do well with all of these things. Needless to say, an airport is just ripe to put me in a bad mood. But, it's Christmas, so in the spirit of things, I have decided to be nice and show some Christmas cheer. Or at least look forward to a good drink when I get home.

I get on the airplane. I should mention that I fly Southwest. They are the only airline that doesn't charge for your bags. I feel that if I'm paying that much for freaking travel then I should not have to pay for my luggage to also arrive with me. I have paid my extra $10 so I am in the first boarding group which is a priority for me. I like to sit in the middle to front of the plane and on the aisle. If I have to make a connecting flight I want to sit in the front. When I get on the plane there are already at least 20+ people on board. My guess is that they were from an earlier flight that was just passing through and didn't have to deplane. Okay. So I find a seat, on the aisle, in the middle. So far, so good. No overlarge people sit beside me, no screaming babies. Yes! I have achieved flight perfection!

Plane lands and I don't have to deplane. I am perfectly satisfied with my seat so I don't move when the opportunity presents itself. However, a woman with a 2 year old boards and sits a few rows ahead of me. Then the crying begins. As I'm digging in my bag for my ipod a couple get on the plane and sit down in the row across from me. Then I hear a yipping sound. Yep. They have a dog. A long haired dachshund. I like dogs and I feel sorry for this one. I don't really want to hear one bark for an hour while I'm on a plane though. Then the most shocking thing happens. I look over and the woman with the dog has gotten it out of the carrier and has placed it on her lap. I am not an expert on airplane rules but I'm pretty sure this is breaking all kinds of flight regulations. An animal on the plane that is not secured? What if someone has allergies? What if the dog gets down? What if he bites someone? No one said a word though. I'm wondering how much that ticket cost.

Meanwhile, the child up front is shrieking, crying, and making all kinds of noise indicating that she is being tortured right in front of our very eyes. Ahh, thank god for ipods. When the plane lands I notice that the mommy of the screaming child has every protruding part of her face pierced. I wondered if that's why the kid was screaming; perhaps they'd been piercing the baby in flight to match mommy.