You can't have you cake AND eat it too

This post is probably going to piss off a lot of you married folks.  Oh, wait.  No one reads this.  My own mother doesn't read this.  Mostly because my mother doesn't get the idea of an online world.  She has email that she checks about once a month and she knows she can pay her bills online but don't even ask her about facebook, twitter and most certainly about a blog.
  However, this isn't about my mother's lack of knowledge of the internet.  This is about married people and what they ever so charmingly refer to as "date night".  Ugh.  Gag me.  I am about to completely burst your bubble, married folks.  The only way you get a date night is if you are cheating on your spouse.  Yup.  See, YOU got married.  So you stopped dating when you had that big party, made us all dress up (remember those - "it can be worn again!"), and we catered to your every whim for a day.  Or in some cases,  a week.  Or six months.  Whatever.  I did all that.  And I really did it with a smile on my face and for the most part I meant it.  I really did.  I only faked it a few times.  Oh, but with the invention of facebook people feel the need to keep me abreast of every teensy detail of their lives.  This includes what you married peeps call date night.  HA!  Jokes on you.  You don't get a date night.  You get a "night away from those screaming toddlers that you thought were going to be so much fun and in fact like to yell all the damn time and trash the house".  But I'm guessing that's too much to put on a facebook status.  See, the thing is, I get date night.  And I get it with different people.  Don't like Friday date night?  No problem!  Saturday's a different date!  Enjoyed Friday's?  Great!  Let's book it again for next weekend!  The best part is that I don't even feel like I'm escaping when I do it.  That's what a date actually is.  Now, before you start to get all pissy about this, just remember - you get the holidays with a standing date for all work functions, someone to snuggle you whenever you want it, and if you're very lucky, someone to make the coffee in the morning.  If you're me - you have a Keurig so you get coffee in about 30 seconds and don't give a rat's ass about the other stuff.

Prozac all around!

I just heard that some woman broke in line at a drive thru window, was refused service for her bad actions, then decided she did not have to move her car when asked by the restaurant staff to do so.  The authorities were called and as a result this woman was tasered.   Had to be physically hit with a stun gun because she wanted her Big Mac and fries so much that she broke the rule everyone else learned in first grade (remember no frontsies, no backsies?) and then refused to leave when asked by the management at the place.  What on earth gives her the right to 1. treat the other patrons like that and 2. treat the people working there like that?  Does she think her need for some McNuggets outweighs everybody else's?  I don't care if you've got an entire busload of kids screaming in the back you do not get to jump in the middle of a drive thru.  That's not even an accidental happening.  

So, after hearing about this (and being completely appalled) I have decided an appropriate solution is to begin placing inhaled Prozac in public air fresheners.  They will be in every public building.   Most places have that crap anyway so why not put a little help for the people in them?  They don't even have to be changed out to a fresh scent because after the scent runs out - no one will even care!  That's the beauty of it.  Within 10 years I think they should be required for all homes being built as part of code standards.  This way by time all these kids we've massively screwed up today with the idea that everybody wins, every one's special, no one should fail even if you don't try, get to be parents everybody will be permanently happy.  

Think about it.  If that crazy drive thru lady had been on appropriate medication then when she saw how long the line was she would have asked to jump ahead.  And since no one behind her would have cared (cause they're all high on Prozac too) she would have slid in line, gotten her food and gone home.  No need for all that childish nonsense she was causing for some McRib.  

Did I shave my legs for this?

Okay, so we all know I'm single and out there dating. I have pretty much perfected the art of being alone. I usually prefer it. I can eat at a restaurant alone, shop alone, and know who to call when something is leaking in my house. But I thought I'd jot down some moments of dating horror for those times when I wonder, "Do I want a husband?" Cause based on these experiences, it's not worth the pain in my butt to get one. I'm seriously going to start asking for a resume prior to meeting someone. And maybe have them send me an online video.

1. There was the guy that described himself as an "Anderson Cooper" lookalike. That was code for gray hair. He was twittery, jerky and so freaking twitchy that I thought he might have a seizure right then and there. And me being the idiot (and nice gal that I am), I thought maybe he was just really nervous and agreed to see him a second time. We had nothing in common, met at a small pub at dinner that didn't serve food (but lots of beer), and after I explained that I'm not big on PDA he moved in for some smooching. Ick, ick, ick. I remember actually threw my hand up and said something along the lines of, "Yeah, I don't do that." LOL

2. Then there was the guy that told me all about his recent brief admission to the hospital for an anxiety attack. First of all, I was raised in a household that doesn't even believe in that. Show up with a real problem. My medical part knows that they do exist but my mother's voice of, "come to me when there's blood gushing or bones protruding" still rings true in my mind. The sad part is that this guy was actually easy to talk to and I may have been able to forgive him the anxiety attack talk (on the first date I might add) but clearly, I was too weird for him to even consider. It makes me wonder how weird I must be for anxiety attack guy to not want to call me again. I'm mostly mad because I wasted my best hospital face on him. I even made appropriate soothing nursey noises. Massive eye roll.

3. There was once a guy that I had NO intention of dating but my newly wed friends really thought I should go out with. They were in the throes of bliss and felt everyone needed a mate to be complete. (snort of cough to cover up the bullshit). They didn't care that this guy is only about 3 years younger than my mom and has kids closer to my age than I am to his. They also didn't care that I thought he was a racist, bore, and only put up with him because I liked his kids. At the last minute my so called "friends" bailed on our group dinner and I was forced to listen to him rant about those "damn Mexicans", that he couldn't believe how long the wait was(on a Friday night - idiot), and then proceed to tell me that I didn't know the way to get back to my own apartment. Ugh. In fact, double UGH.

4. And last but not least, my latest in a long string of reasons why I'm okay with not dating: today's adventure. So I agree to meet this guy at a local coffeeshop. I've seen a picture and he describes himself as average. I also describe myself as average but I should mention that I have a goal of running a 1/2 marathon one day. This guy shows up and hasn't run for anything except doughnuts. Well, that's being harsh. Let's just say that a man's definition of average and a woman's definition of average are two very different things. He also felt the need to mention that he thought it was truly sad that I've never smoked pot. Really? The first time I've ever met you and we're going to talk about pot? Or the fact that when you settled down and got your first real job less than 10 years ago the thing you found most bothersome was that you had to quit firing up a doobie whenever you wanted?

Once again, folks, if that's what's out there then leave me inside.